Between Awe and Anguish

I've been meaning to write this blog for a long time but I keep forgetting. This morning it happened again and I was spurred into action. Sometimes when you are trying to post a comment, you have to pass a security test to avoid spams. There are some "dirty" or garbled letters you have to copy into a text field. It can be a mix of numbers and letters - either way, they are ineligible to a machine.
I am torn between awe and anguish. Awe for such a simple device: the brain automatically discards the white noise. It recognizes the shapes of letters and numbers instantly, in the same way that a person with colour blindness could make out a number in Time's big books where I, as a child, was struggling. The brain of a colour-blind person singles out the extraneous colours as mine was trying to make sense of it.
Anguish because I always get this pinch, something of a sinking feeling: can I pass this test? I don't breeze through this seemingly innocuous task. My brain rebels against nonsensical words. It is forever trying to make sense of things. S N S E - you mean "sense", right? Or did you want to write "sene" - more unusual but you are unusual, aren't you. I would know, I live in your head...
So I concentrate and write out what is there: BUL7P - buzzer sound: try again. I break into a cold sweat. I don't know what I did wrong because I am given a totally different set to transcribe. Is it easier? Do they give easier sets the second time around? What if I fail this one? Will my comment ever make it in? Is my comment worth the effort? Will it add anything to the discussion? What is this need to express my opinion, over and over again? Success! My comment is in! I forget the whole thing and move on.

Wet

Weather was never much of a topic for me. I usually get annoyed with people who are "obsessed" with weather. For me, it is what it is. The weather does not have much impact on my life, perhaps because I have retreated indoors much of the time. This year is a different matter. This year we are getting vegetables from a local farmer. The vegetables are not as plentiful as we were hoping because it`s been raining. No sun, just so much rain I swear I can see our grass growing.
We got huge cucumbers, mind you. I don't know how tasty large water-logged vegetables can be though. But I still prefer to eat local than eat a produce shipped from around the world (anybody for cheap garlic from China?). It just makes more sense.

It's Raining, it's Pouring, the Old Man is Snoring...

The Old Man - that's Me. This has been a weird week. I spent most of it sleeping, recovering it seems from all those sleepless nights. And as it has been raining a lot, I haven't feel compelled to spend time outside. The Tour de France has kept company in the mornings and I have been steadily reading The Historian all week. I finished it last night to my regret. It was such a well-crafted, compelling book, I had a hard time putting it down.
We'll be cooking today, as tomorrow we're bringing meals to my mother-in-law who has been complaining lately of the food at her old-age residence.
I am wondering a bit about the people I have left behind at work: are they doing all right? but it is a distant concern and I am looking ahead to other challenges and fun times. Not much else going on. I finally got rid of my cold and the dark shadows under my eyes are receding. Looking forward to a new dawn...

Transformers

No spoiler alert here. We won't be talking about the movie but rather of those things that go boum! in the night.
With all the high winds and storms we've had in the past few days, we had a few close calls. Eventually, yesterday, after a bolt of lightening split the sky in two a mighty roll of thunder and tremendous boum that sounded close, very close, ended with the lights going out. Yesterday was Paul's birthday and we had planned for fondue which is self-sustaining. The cake was done and we have a gas stove so we proceeded as usual, replacing the electrical light with our faithful camping lamp (kids, don't do this at home!). We had a great meal and all but after 4 hours in the darkness (a record since we moved to Kemptville), we inquired what was the situation with our neighbours. Lo and behold, they all had electricity. We called Hydro and they sent some guys. It appears our neighbour's transformer blew up so they would try and restart ours (it worked). I guess that as a protective measure, ours shut down when the surge hit it. It appears we have our own personal transformer which made us feel quite special. Now for us to make it feel special, we need to clean up the trees around it to make it accessible to the maintenance crew. The area around it is overgrown and the personnel who was dispatched last night made us promise to get the trees trimmed (the line from the road to our post has to be cleared).
Friday nights are always exciting in my household.

Time to Go

I have handed in my resignation (figuratively). I told my boss I was leaving and we are ironing out details as to an end date.
This was an easy decision after a few short anguished nights and an epiphany of sorts. After I had taken my decision - made harder by the fact I had made some true friends back at work - I realized it was summer, there was a garden that needed tending, cyclists were enjoying themselves on the road. I had been so stressed and closed upon myself that I hadn't really appreciated that summer was here (I still haven`t but at least I am aware that I haven`t and that is a step forward, no?).
Making this decision was a positive response to all the stress I have been heaping upon myself. It is very empowering to walk away from a difficult situation and decide to do what feels right. Time and again I doubt my decision but wise words from friends help me through. Or I relapse and that relapse tells me I am still fragile and vulnerable and that my decision still holds.
I need a bit of breathing time and I need to take a good look at where I want to go and who I want to be. If it sounds like a mid-life crisis well maybe it is...

Thinking on Thoughts

I haven`t been my usual cheery self lately. I have gotten back into old habits of hiding under the covers when stressed. And stressed I am: I have the insomnia and the clenched jaw to prove it. Of course the hardship is in my mind. The reality hasn't changed, just my perception of it. Which brings me to today`s topic: thoughts.

When I direct my thoughts appropriately to the present and the comfort of my home, the health I am favored with, the full tummy or proximity to food, I start relaxing. The thing is: my basic needs are met. Anything above that is gravy. When I start to appreciate those things around me - yes, even the chirping of birds that drives me nuts when my mood is off can be pleasant - I start to feel happy and relaxed. When I start projecting a few days ahead to deadlines and so on, I collapse into paralysis. And so managing stress becomes a priority. And that starts with directing my thoughts so they stay focused on the here and now and on the things that can be changed instead of possible doom scenarios.

Well, I am feeling tired, which is a good thing. I will catch a few winks while I am relaxed and I will wake up refreshed and eager to start the day. After all, it is Friday...