Sunday, June 28, 2009

Not Zen

I learned something about myself the other day.
I had put aside a day for my mom. I had agreed to drive her around, run errands with her, drop her off for lunch with friends and pick her up later. In the meantime, I was going to get my hair cut, lunch with friends and, after I dropped her off, visit another friend.
First thing anybody but me would notice - I am overbooked if I try and follow that schedule. But that is what I do: I pack lots of things in one day.
So... back to my story. I was waiting at the bank for my mom to do her banking. She was standing in line and I was sitting by the door, bored. So I decided to phone some friends on my nifty cell phone. That's when I had my epiphany: I can't stand to be bored! Now, the fact that I never noticed this before smacks of low self-awareness. Somehow, I have made myself believe I am zen. I don't go around like a chicken with its head cut off. But... that's because of circumstances beyond my control. I often carpool so I don't have the luxury of wheels. I live too far from work so I don't bike in - no wheels. I am cheap so I don't do much or spend much. I live far from where I live so I don't tend to hang around town where temptation lurks at every corner.
I am not much of a consumer in Ottawa. But when I head for Montreal, I feel on vacation and spend and swirl until there's no tomorrow! And act like a headless chicken.
First step is acknowledging the weakness - I am a sucker for distraction. Second step is to do something about it. I will strive for mindfulness. We'll see if that leads anywhere.